Have you ever heard the song, "I am" by Nicole Nordeman? If you haven't I highly recommend it. The lyrics are a narrative of life and how God is always there for you. From the time when you believe in super heroes and fairy tales to the time when you need reassurance that you will get through the day...or night. The verse I've found myself in for the last 6 weeks is this:
"You saw me wear white by pale candle light
I said, "forever" to what lies ahead.
Two kids and a dream, with kids that can scream
Too much it might seem when it's 2 a.m.
But when I am weak, unable to speak
Still I can call you by name
Oh Shepard, Savior, Pasture-maker
Hold on to my hand
And you said, I am"
We've already had a few nights with both kids awake in the wee hours of the morning and I know it's only just begun. I couldn't help but giggle to myself thinking of this song. Even though I'm pretty tired these days, I'm loving every second of my babies. Isaiah, my sweet, energetic comedian, fills this house with so much laughter and squeals of joy. And Maci, my sweet little love, made this family even more complete. I am so thankful God gives us enough love for all our children. And that we are able to love them exactly the same. Fully and completely. Even when we're exhausted. Even when the chaos drives us crazy.
I've been told by a few people recently I was designed to have kids. Partially because my labor/delivery was so fast and smooth, but also because the transition from one to two kids has been so easy. Yes, really. I think a big part of that is Isaiah is too young to fully understand. He already doesn't remember life without her. When I ask him if wants to go somewhere he says, "ok!" then turns to his sister and says, "Come on Maci!" He talks to her, sings to her, and always wants to know where she is. Maci will just smile at him like he is the coolest. That's not to say he hasn't had his moments but those are few and far between. There's NOTHING like seeing your children develop a bond before they can even speak in complete sentences. It's such a blessing.
I also feel like having two is easier than one. Partially because I knew what to expect - what to do when, how things feel, how things go, how things heal. With the first it's slightly crippling because everything is so new. This time I feel so at ease and confident in my parenting. We've already started to get on a schedule. Some days I'm down right impressed with myself.
I could continue to brag and toot my own horn and act like I'm such a professional mother. But that wouldn't be truthful. Because really I've done nothing but give up everything to God. Every worry, every sleepless night or napless day, every hint of anxiety. All I do is pray and somehow, by the grace of God, I gain the strength to make it through the day...successfully. What a sense of relief. Maybe I am meant to have children so that I can teach them how to love Jesus in the same way He loves us, to show them His mercy and grace so that they may be gracious to others. Maybe I'll be able to light a fire in them so that one day they can light up the world. This may not be all I'm meant for but right now it is and I've never felt so fulfilled. Two kids and a dream...
Oh Shepard, Savior, Pasture-maker...thank you for holding on to my hand.
"Cast your burden on the Lord, and He will sustain you." Psalm 55:22
Here are a few pictures from the month....