Friday, March 11, 2011
Praying for Patience
Our pride and joy - love this face!
These days I really have been praying for patience. Not as a parent (I think I'm doing OK with that - it helps having a baby that is practically perfect!) but with a few other things I'm struggling with since Isaiah was born. Let's face it, I'm not the most patient person. I couldn't wait to grow up and graduate college; I received my bachelor's at age 19. I couldn't wait to get out of Washington; I took the first internship I was offered in sunny San Diego and moved one month later. I couldn't wait to get married; I was engaged for only 2 months.
I've always been eager to get up and get things (whatever they might be) going! While we're slowly developing a new routine for everything with the newest addition to our family, there are two things in particular that I'm struggling to wait for.
First off, I don't like breast feeding. This is REALLY hard for me to admit (I only just told Darren a few days ago). It makes me feel like a bad mom admitting that especially because I know how good it is for Isaiah and have heard of so many women that enjoy it. Well, I'm sorry, world, but I don't.
I'm sure one of the biggest reasons I don't like it is because I'm struggling with it; it hasn't been easy for me at all. Not only did I deal with the sores and cracks but I developed an infection (mastitis) - a very painful issue to deal with on top of the usual symptoms of the recuperation period. I also don't like not knowing how much milk Isaiah gets. Sometimes he nurses for 20 minutes, sometimes 10 and sometimes 45 minutes. I've even given him a bottle (4.5 oz) and he wanted to nurse after. The boy LOVES to eat and he's gaining plenty of weight so that isn't my concern. My concern is that it's a little more difficult to figure out his schedule when I don't know how much food (in fluid ounces not minutes) he really requires.
It also makes me nauseous. I don't know why. I haven't heard of this happening to anyone else and I may just have to ask my doctor about it in two weeks. I do not think nursing is "gross" at all but for some reason, I get really nauseous when I nurse and pump. I even have made sure I'm drinking enough fluids and eating enough - I still get nauseated!
I also don't like how it feels when my milk lets down. It feels likes Isaiah is sucking the energy out of me (literally!). Even worse, I hate how it feels when my milk comes in. We were watching American Idol the other night and Pia's rendition of "All By Myself" gave me goosebumps. As soon as I got the goosebumps I got the tingly feeling of my milk arriving. It also happens any other times I get chills or goosebumps (heaven help me when I get out of the shower!). I just don't like it!
I don't plan on giving up breast feeding any time soon. I really want to stick it out because I know it's really good for Isaiah's health as well as my own health and he really enjoys his nurse time. :) But I just want to be honest, it's no cup of tea for me!
I'm also praying for patience about moving to Washington. Since having Isaiah I've realized the lack of a support system we have here. Darren was gone for four nights a week ago to go up to Washington and I felt very lonely. We did have some friends that brought over meals and kept me company (you know who you are...THANK YOU!) but I know that if we were in Washington, I would have had more friends and family over throughout the day and probably night. I can imagine my sister coming over with advice and her crazy boys, my other sister with lots of kisses and a great story, my mom AKA super-grandma, my dad with some mean BBQ chicken or steak, or just the comfort of knowing they're all just a quick drive away if I needed them.
Here, in San Diego, it really is just the two of us (now three). I don't want to discredit the life we've built in San Diego because there have been so many wonderful memories created with some amazing people and Darren and I will share those stories with our kids for decades. But our life here has nearly run its course and we're anxious to get home. I'm praying that God helps me to remain calm and patient until the date is set.
I'm aware this post may come off a little "poor, poor, pitiful me" and I don't mean for it to - I just wanted to get a couple of things off my mind!
Isaiah was just relaaaaxing while I was writing this post. :)